Tomorrow is April 1st….

April….Autism Awareness Month….Autism acceptance month….A Month where people who don’t pay much attention the rest of the year turn their eyes on the Autism community.

A month of “Light it up Blue” and profile pictures on Facebook, and the myths, facts, and blog posts fill the internet.

All this is well and good. We need more awareness as a society. We desperately need more acceptance and understanding.

Tonight I have been looking back through posts I have made in Aprils past….reading over things I have written, wondering what I would say this year. To be honest, I am still not sure, will have to take things one day at a time I guess. I MAY do a 30 days of Autism in Pictures again, it’s been a while since I did that, and that was , to me, a beautiful way to showcase what our flavor of Autism looks like. Imagine that, me, a photographer, expressing my thoughts with words and photos. ( LOL)

For now….Here is a one stop list of posts I have written that are meaningful to me as we head into another April, not including the 30 days of snapshots posts, as those are linked off to the right hand side…..

This is Our Autism

“Autism is love, Unconditional, deep love, stronger than any meltdown, bigger than any low. It is a love that keeps me going even on those days when I want to give up. It is a love that enables me to pick up the pieces, calm him down when he falls apart, to fight with doctors, to stand up for his rights at school. It is a love that is like nothing I have EVER known in my life.”

This is Our Autism revisited

“Autism is NOT the end of the world.

Autism IS beautiful

Autism is NOT Despair

Autism IS looking at the world differently

Autism is NOT a disease that is contagious, or in need of a cure. My kids do not need Fixing. They may need help in some areas, and a little extra support in others, but they do NOT need to be cured, or fixed.

Autism is Different, but NOT Less…”

There IS Hope!

“It is a Powerful thing! When someone loses hope, it is dangerous. Hearing the phrase “Your child has autism” Can be a very devastating thing to a parent, it’s true. The road is hard, it is an uphill battle, this I wont deny. There is grief, anger, sadness, days I feel overwhelmed. I cry, scream “Why??” , but I cling to HOPE. NOBODY , not a Doctor, Family members, even strangers, should EVER lead a parent raising a special needs child to think there is “No hope”.”

Aware

There are many others, and as I read through each of the posts I have written, I realized each post I have written is important in it’s own right. some made me smile, some made me laugh, some brought tears to my eyes, reminders of the not so easy days. This has been, and continues to be a roller-coaster of a journey, and I am incredibly thankful for the blessings that are my children. I am thankful God has blessed me with gifts of writing and photography, that I can capture the moments, that I can help others along the way. I have been reminded tonight of why I write, why I need to keep writing.

For now, I need to go try and sleep off this Migraine I have been fighting off all day. I will be back at some point tomorrow…..

 

Favorite things

When it comes to toys…

my son has a handful of favorite things…

collected to the point of obsession…

lined up…

played with…

and well loved…

Here is today’s Montage…

an update to a Post I made in 2011…

Favorite things…

30 something Webkinz….EACH Has a Name, and yes, He can list them all

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles….

Star Wars Droids….

Legos…

The childhood Favorites of Veggie Tales, Buzz Lightyear and Thomas the Tank Engine are still there…

Old Favorites that still get revisited on really rough days…

Oh yes, this would not be complete without Adding the Nintendo ds….

My sweet boy is growing up…

These are His world…

The friends he counts on…

that safe place he disappears to…

This is Our Autism…Revisiting a previous Post

Back in June of 2011, I wrote : “Autism is love, Unconditional, deep love, stronger than any meltdown, bigger than any low. It is a love that keeps me going even on those days when I want to give up. It is a love that enables me to pick up the pieces, calm him down when he falls apart, to fight with doctors, to stand up for his rights at school. It is a love that is like nothing I have EVER known in my life.” as a conclusion to a Post titled “This is Our Autism” which was in response to a question a Fellow Autism Momma, Blogger, and Military wife, who also happens to share the same first name as me posed. The question “What is Your Autism?”

I Have been doing a lot of thinking about this again, in light of something that is going on in the Autism community. Suzanne Wright, co-founder of Autism Speaks, and grandmother to an autistic child, took time just this week to call for a National Autism Plan, based entirely on her opinion (which, therefore, is the opinion of Autism Speaks) that autism has “stolen” three million kids, and is making those kids’ families miserable. Here is a snipet of what she has to say….( You can read the full post Here, but PLEASE if You do….Take the time to read the COMMENTS, to hear the voices that are speaking out.)

Each day across this country, those three million moms, dads and other care-takers I mentioned wake to the sounds of their son or daughter bounding through the house.  That is – if they aren’t already awake. Truth be told, many of them barely sleep—or when they do – they somehow sleep with one ear towards their child’s room—always waiting. Wondering what they will get into next. Will they try to escape? Hurt themselves? Strip off their clothes?  Climb the furniture? Raid the refrigerator?  Sometimes – the silence is worse.

These families are not living.

They are existing. Breathing – yes.  Eating – yes. Sleeping- maybe.  Working- most definitely – 24/7.

This is autism.

Life is lived moment-to-moment.  In anticipation of the child’s next move.  In despair.  In fear of the future.  

This is autism.

I am angry, The above comments made by an organization claiming to speak for my children, my Family, and so many others in the autism community has gotten it SO wrong. Am I saying life with Autism is easy? NO! But it is not something that needs fixing, or  a cure either. Yes there are times when my son wanders, and my children climb on furniture, and raid the fridge…..but Guess what, That is Part of having kids! I can remember , as the oldest of 4 kids growing up….Couch cushions strewn across the floor became rocks and if you stepped off onto the floor, You melted in Hot Lava, so we jumped from cushion to cushion, couch to chair…you get the idea.

When my non verbal child wanders, it scares me to death, BUT I have learned ways to keep Him safe, and still allow Him to explore the world We live in. I have learned to read His cues, and He has found ways to let me know “hey, mom, I am done and I need to go home”.

Autism is not, and never will be the end of all hope. My children are amazing, brilliant individuals. My daughter draws the most amazing artwork, a very visual and creative thinker. My son can make my computer do things I had NO clue it could do. They are NOT Broken!!!!! God made them special JUST the way that they are, and for an organization like Autism speaks to take the power it has, and irresponsibly feed the fear and lack of hope that society piles on families goes against everything I have fought for. I am not saying that it is easy, FAR From it. I  sadly lament not enjoying the parenting experience I always wanted and thought I’d have; birthdays, school, church, Dances, Concerts, slumber Parties, any social gathering for that matter, even bowling or going to the grocery store can feel like I’m being beat by this awful disease! I have days when I just curl up and cry, When I listen to friends complain about how their teenager spends too much time on the phone, or breaks curfew, is over board boy crazy, ect, and I look at my daughter who seems to have no interest in boys, didn’t ask for a cellphone until she was 15, and still RARELY uses hers, doesn’t live at the mall. I am Thankful she has a firm grip on who she is, and that she doesn’t look to her peers for acceptance,or approval, but I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t sometimes ache for those “typical mom moments”. There are sleepless nights, and meltdowns, sensory issues, and trials and hardships…But nothing in life is easy, and a little love and patience goes a long way. Sometimes I feel like I mourn the death of the parent I would be as much as the child I thought I’d raise. I know my Husband mourns those Father son bonding moments…Football, Riding dirt-bikes, ect. , and I know that there are things I will never be able to do with my daughter, like take her to see her favorite Boy Band in concert…it’s too crowded and too loud. There are days when I actively plan ways to live longer and take care of myself better because I know I have to be here to take care of my son. No one else will ever be willing or able to do it. Some people have the luxury of money or extended family to rely on, many of us do not. Should we make the best with what we’ve got? Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean pretending to the rest of the world that it’s a “gift” or anything short of an ongoing challenge. They don’t advertise Boot camp as a Glorious Vacation in Paradise, neither should they make autism out to be just something “different than expected”. That would also be completely irresponsible & untrue. Autism is a spectrum, and there is no One autism. It is challenging and some days it seems down right impossible, BUT it is NOT the end of the world.  There was a time when I lived in fear of what tomorrow may hold, BUT I have learned that when I focus on the unknown and worry about tomorrow I miss today’s joys. My children deserve to be loved, and accepted for WHO hey are, not shunned and feared because somebody only hears the word Autism. To say that my family is not Living, that Autism will break me, that my marriage will fail because Autism causes too much stress is fearmongering, and there is NO PLACE FOR IT!

Autism is NOT the end of the world.

Autism IS beautiful

Autism is NOT Despair

Autism IS looking at the world differently

Autism is NOT a disease that is contagious, or in need of a cure. My kids do not need Fixing. They may need help in some areas, and a little extra support in others, but they do NOT need to be cured, or fixed.

Autism is Different, but NOT Less…

So, this is a glimpse at My Family…..and Yes, We ARE Living, ENJOYING the moment to moment. Because Life is not the Breath You take, It’s the Moments that Take Your breath away!

and, one more….

Because the statistics say we should have divorced YEARS ago…I mean, Dual Military, 2 Children with Autism, Oh, we married too young, yeah, we have heard it all…all the reasons why we would never last, and I am not saying Our marriage is perfect, FAR from it! we have our ups and downs, but Autism has not destroyed our Marriage, in fact I think it has drawn us closer as we work together to make sure our children know that they are NOT broken, to give them the best love and home we can.  We are committed to each other, and to our children. When a mountain comes up, we climb it together. We have weathered many storms together, but To say we are just barely existing, ready to break at any moment, Autism speaks, You could not be more wrong. We don’t want or need pity, or fear. There is no place for fear, Only love, Hope, Joy, and Faith.

1 Corinthians 13: 3-7 {The Message}

“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

A Breath of Fresh Air

My Kids continue to amaze me! We just returned from a trip to visit my Family. This summer has been one of Non existent routine, and it has been interesting to watch my Routine driven children learn to adapt.  As much as they thrive on routine, it is I think, important from time to time to show them how to  learn to be flexible, because after all, life in the real world is full of changes, and not everything always goes as planned.

As we loaded up for the long anticipated, yet shortened trip, excitement was high. They could not wait to get to grandma’s house, and their lists of what they were looking forward to varied from one child to the next. With Autism along for the trip, there was, as always, much planning on the part of the adults…my husband, parents and I talked well in advance, planning out as much as we could. The Big event of the trip was my youngest brother’s wedding.

We had already been through one family wedding with autism in tow, so we knew how to prepare. We wrote the social story, we planned escape routes for meltdowns, we had a shadow for the boy, seeing as my husband and i were both in the bridal party, and my parents, being parents of the groom, needed to be free to enjoy the day as their youngest child married His sweetheart.

As soon as we arrived at my mom’s, and the truck was unpacked, The kids settled right in as if they had never left. This was a safe haven, and they knew it. The Boy changed into old clothes and headed to the barn with Grandpa, the oldest headed to sleep…we had been on the road for 20 hours after all, and the youngest settled in with grandma while my husband and I crashed as well. What a wonderful feeling to know that my kids are safe, and that I can rest….this is not something I get just anywhere, and it is something I cherish every time We go to my Parents house.

The result of my parent’s house being a safe haven was, as always, that my husband and I were able to slip off for some much needed time alone. We had a wonderful escape to my Aunt and Uncle’s Cabin in the mountains, and it was a precious time of reconnecting, of much needed peace and quiet, no kids to worry about. I am not saying I don’t love my kids…they are my world, but anyone with special needs children knows, getting time alone is a RARE thing, and yet it is OH SO IMPORTANT! While my husband and I were enjoying Our Mountain escape, the kids enjoyed time with their cousins, and went to the zoo.

The day of the wedding drew closer, and the hectic chaos that goes into Visiting from 20 hours away, plus planning a wedding collided in a whirlwind of non stop activity, and yet, the kids continued to go with the flow. Sure, we had a few meltdowns, but no major blow outs. As best we could, my mom and I wrote out what was happening when on a calendar for the boy, and that helped a lot.

We met the lady my mom had found to be Dak’s shadow for the wedding, and there was an instant connection. a Fellow Mom, with kids on the spectrum, this was definitely a blessing, and another worry off my mind.  She came to the rehearsal, and while the Bridal party ran through the ceremony, she helped Dak go through a trial run with His social story, and then helped keep Him , and the rest of the kids entertained at the rehearsal dinner, before taking Him back to my mom’s when it was time for His evening dose of meds.

There simply are not words to describe the Peace, and relief that comes in knowing that Your children are loved, accepted, and safe. In knowing that you can occasionally catch a breath, and enjoy time with Your spouse without hearing “Mom!!!” or worrying about a Meltdown, or elopement, or any of the other challenges Autism brings.

In the midst of wedding planning, and preparations, there were Family Game nights, and plenty of memories made with Cousins. The Visit went by ALL too fast. The day of the wedding arrived, and My youngest and I headed to my sister’s house with the rest of the Bridesmaids and the other flower girl to get ready. My Husband and my Brother and Dad held down the fort at the farm, while getting ready themselves, until Donna arrived to take over with Dak. I am told He did really well, and when I saw Him at the ceremony, He was listening to Donna, and following His social Story. I am really proud of my kids, and got reminded that, while it may take more planning on my part, special events like a wedding CAN be enjoyed by the WHOLE Family. My Sister in Law even got some pretty amazing Photos of my kids while the Bridal Party was standing in the receiving line…..

After the ceremony, Donna took My Oldest two on to the reception, while the Bridal Party did the Photo thing. My Brother’s new Mother in Law had outdone herself with activities for the kids at the reception, and they ALL had a BLAST! I was able to relax, dance with my husband, and enjoy the entire day knowing that the kids were taken care of, and we had back-up plans firmly in place if needed, but am happy to say, they were not needed!

All too soon, Our time was up, and we loaded back up in our truck to head south, to head home. We were all anxious to get back to our dogs, our house, our own beds, and yet, there was this feeling that the trip was too short, that we were leaving a safe zone, and heading back into chaos of getting ready for back to school, work, and every day life. This year got off to a very rocky start, and Our time in NY was a much needed breath of fresh air, and new life into our routine, our lives. Yes, Autism is a part of our lives, but this trip was a beautiful reminder that it is not the end of the world, of just how far we have come on this journey, and of the support that we do have, even if it is 20 hours away. This trip restored my hope, reminded me of what matters most, and pulled me farther out of the depression I have been battling. There is something about returning to the farm, to the country life I was so desperate to leave as a teen, that refreshes my spirit.

I will leave You with a Final Thought… a segment of Lyrics to a song that has been stuck in my head for a while now….

“I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It’ll throw you off if you don’t hold on tight
You can’t really smile until you’ve shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life”
~Darryl Worley: Awful, Beautiful Life~

Aware

There is something that has been on my mind lately….finding the right words has proven challenging though. Here is the thing…April is Autism Awareness/Acceptance month. What hit me like a ton of bricks this year though is that while I Love my children very VERY much…There are parts of Autism that I do NOT want to accept.

I am AWARE that Life with Autism is not easy, that there will be days when I just want to crawl under a rock and cry.

I am AWARE that Meltdowns due to sensory Overload are Par for the Course.

I am AWARE that Elopement happens FAR more often than I would like ( Frankly ONCE is one time too many, and was enough to scare the breath out of me).

I am AWARE That My child can’t/wont/doesn’t tell me much if anything at all about His day, His world.

I am AWARE that There are many times ( More often than not) when my husband and I have to decide wich one of us will accompany the girls to their various events while the other stays home with our son.

I am AWARE that most people will never understand autism, and will judge EVERY detail of my life as a result.

And…..

while I am AWARE of all the stuff listed above, that does NOT mean I ACCEPT it all….

It HURTS when I don’t know how to help my child

It Tears me in two when we Can’t do things as a Family

It TERRIFIES me when my child Bolts from school, home, the ball field, in the store…ect.

It HURTS when People look at me like I am a Bad parent, tell me I am a Failure, say things like “He is just a spoiled Brat”

I REFUSE to accept that my Husband or I did something wrong, and that is the reason why we have 2 children on the Autism spectrum.

I REFUSE to see autism as “the end of the world”. My Children, ALL…THREE…OF…THEM are a Blessing. Autism does not define them, it is not ruining my life, or theirs. They are all precious and beautiful in their own ways.

Autism Awareness/Acceptance month may be “Over” for the “neurotypical” world….but Believe me when I say I am AWARE EVERY Day, and while I Love and ACCEPT my children, I REFUSE to ACCEPT the judgement, I Can’t Honestly say that I accept the pain and tears that fall OFTEN ( yes, sometimes Daily)…that are falling as I type this.

Wordless Wednesday: July 10,2013

 

 

 

 

 

Miracle League Baseball: because EVERY child deserves a chance to play baseball

Peace be still…

The Past few months I have been doing quite a bit of thinking, reflecting, re-directing. My son turned 13 in September, in the middle of a stretch of REALLY rocky road on this journey with Autism. School had started in August, and one month in, He still had not settled back into routine, and it was clear from almost day one, something was wrong. He protested that school was bad, and cried daily, BEGGING to stay home. He started running from class, his behavior went downhill FAST, and He started trying to hurt himself at school, all so He could come home. He was not sleeping at night…which of course meant, I was not sleeping at night.

All the no sleep gave me plenty of time to think, to cry, and to pray. I looked back at when the journey began. I thought about how long I had been fighting…with Doctors, insurance companies, schools. I realized I was Exhausted, I longed for a break from the “front lines”.  I lost sight of just how far we have come, the progress made. My focus was off. I spent more time focusing on how tired I was, on the storms raging around me than on my source of Hope. Exhaustion took over, and I started to get angry. I felt lost and alone.  I felt helpless. The worse things seemed to get for my son at school, the more helpless I felt. I was sinking, and I knew it. What I didn’t know, was how to turn my focus back to where it needed to be.

One night I was talking to a friend about it all, venting and crying, and she said to me “Stop. It’s time for you to remember you are not alone. It’s time for you to stop focusing on how hard it is, and focus on what you need to do. Your kids need you to not fall apart.” My mom listened to me day in and day out, crying on the phone sometimes for hours, she never stopped praying, never stopped encouraging.

One Sunday in Sunday school, my Sunday School teacher said ” I don’t know why but before we start I feel I need to read a passage of scripture that is totally unrelated to what we are studying.” He read Habakkuk 3:17-18 which reads as follows:

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

It was a wake up call for me, a Reminder that I need to give thanks to God NO MATTER WHAT.  That even in the darkest hours, I should be praising God, in the Midst of the storm. My Focus should be on HIM and not on the waves crashing around me. I was reminded of a Psalm that My Dad used to read to us all the time when I was Growing Up:

Psalms 34

I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

² My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

³ O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

⁶ This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

⁷ The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

⁸ O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

⁹ O fear the Lord, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

¹⁰ The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

¹¹ Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

¹² What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?

¹³ Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

¹⁴ Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

¹⁶ The face of the Lord is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

¹⁸ The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

²⁰ He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

²¹ Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate.

²² The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

I realized that I needed to start making a Conscious choice, every day, to give Thanks…to put my focus on God, and not on how big the storm was. God Knows what my son needs, even if Dak can’t tell me what is wrong. God goes with Dak to school, even if I Can’t. I started turning it all over, one step at a time, releasing control BACK to God. I did not realize I had been trying to handle it all on my own. Autism is TOO big for me. I Can’t do it. I don’t understand it. I started making the CHOICE to let go of each worry….My son’s fear of school…My Youngest Daughter’s grief over losing her closest friend to Cancer the end of August….Financial stresses…..As each doubt or worry or fear crept in, I fought it. Verses I have known all my life came back to my mind….

Matthew 6:25-34

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.

Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 

 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 

For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

All the worrying I do was dragging me down. God has NEVER let me down. He has ALWAYS kept his word, so WHY was I wearing myself out stressing about every little bump in the road. Like Peter when He stepped out of the boat, I had taken my eyes off Jesus and put my focus on the water, and was sinking. (Matthew 14:22-33 ). I began to pray for help re-directing my focus OFF of how hard things are and back onto the one who gave His life for me. As I cried night after sleepless night, HE gave me a song…one I have known since childhood, but had forgotten….

You said you’d come and share all my sorrows
You said you’d be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending you away,
But just like you promised, you came there to stay
I just had to pray

And Jesus said 
“Come to the water, stand by my side
I know you are thirsty, you won’t be denied
I felt every tear drop, when in darkness you
cried, and I strove to remind you,
That for those tears I died”

We have been studying Saul and David in Sunday school, and This week we were looking at 1 Samuel 13 and Israel’s fear of the Philistine Army. The root of Israel’s fear was that they forgot their Identity in God ( they are God’s Chosen People) and they lost their Hope in God. They forgot about all the times before when God had rescued them from overwhelming Odds, because God IS Bigger. This Hit me like a ton of bricks. How often have I forgotten all the times God has Provided, heard my cry, answered my prayers, come to my rescue when all seemed hopeless. I realized I was letting Fear into my day to day, and when Fear takes over, darkness sets in. I was reminded that Perfect Love Casts out Fear. (1 John 4:18) God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of Power, Love and a sound Mind. (2 Timothy 1:7). I continued to look deeper into this, seeking God’s help to overcome my struggle with worry, fear and anxiety and He reminded me of my Identity in HIM. He reminded me I am Bought with a Price, and when He looks at my life he does not see all the bad I have done, He sees what Jesus did for me when He died on the cross.

I cried again, asking the question once again that I have asked SO many times in the past 10 years since we heard the words “Your son has Autism”…I asked “WHY?” The answer I got was the same one I got all the times before…..

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

…Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

WOW…lets hear that again…“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  I need to Daily remember that..NO Matter what comes my way, HIS Grace IS enough. I am not perfect, and I struggle with this daily. I am learning to turn my focus OFF the storms in my life, and to look TO Jesus…My Hope, My Refuge, my deliverer, my Peace. I am thankful for the Blessings he gave me when He gave me my three children. I am thankful for the lessons that autism continues to teach me about love, about patience, about peace and hope and joy. Sure, the road is hard, and the tears often fall, sleep is often …well non existent, but HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH!

The Rollercoaster

As another summer Vacation winds to an end for my kids, I find that it is very bittersweet for me. This summer has been; in some ways; a LONG exhausting, emotionally and Physically Draining one. In Other ways it has been wonderful, has flown by too fast, and I ache to slow down the steady march of time. As another school year approaches, I find myself looking back at how fast time has flown by. My oldest is headed into 10th grade, The Boy is headed into 7th Grade, and my baby….yes I know, your not a baby anymore….is headed into 5th Grade.

I know that I really have not written much since 2012 arrived. I have struggled with the words this year. I have wondered just how much do I write? I have contemplated the whole “if you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all” concept. The fact of the matter is, I have 2 teenagers on the autsim spectrum ( well the boy will be 13 next month). The challenges of all things teenagerish have been…. whats the word I am looking for here?…..exagerated? Amplified? Intensified? Complicated? ahh yes, Complicated…..complicated by the challenges of all things autism. the onslaught of puberty has sent my sweet boy into a tailspin of regression, and much like when he was a toddler, I have to watch his every move. The difference is, he is much bigger now…scooping Him up into my lap to calm down a meltdown is no longer an option, scooping him up and redirecting is no longer an option. In fact, He has made the (correct) observation that He is as tall as mommy is now…and has on more than one occasion, told me he is “an adult now”.

I wrote the above before school started. We are now into day 4 of Back to school and the anxiety is still running high. The change of routine has things all sorts of out of whack. I hope things start to settle down soon. I am EXHAUSTED!

The rollercoaster of a summer….the highs were….WOW! and the Lows…well OUCH!

We saw our Oldest go with the Youth Group on her first Mission trip….I was a WRECK, but all reports say she did fine! I gave the chaperoning adults a LONG list of what to watch for as to sensory overload, what to do to help her calm down, Challenges, ect. The reports I got when they returned were that she worked hard, maintained an excellent attitude, and had a great trip!

We saw an intensification of the Boy’s elopment issues…and had some VERY scary moments ( thankfully all ended well). He is now on the “kids to watch for” list at Toys R Us ( as in if he shows up unsupervised call mom and dad),  has a Medical Alert Bracelet, and per our request, a note has been made with 9-1-1 that if a call for our adress is recieved, be aware there are children with Autism in the home.

In the Midst of all the ups and downs with the older two and all the extra attention they required this summer, I started to worry that my youngest was not getting enough of my time…the biggest argument my girls had this summer was the oldest telling the youngest “Your Normal!”…and let me tell ya, that was NOT pretty…It was WAR for about a week! We have always tried to not use words like “Normal” because, well lets face it, in this house, “Normal” is boring. We have tried to teach the kids to celebrate their differences, rejoice in their strengths, to stop and slow down, to enjoy the smallest of moments.

As we head into another school year, It delights my heart to see my Oldest LOVING school again. She has dreaded school since 2nd grade. I have not seen her THIS excited about school in a LONG time! The Boy informed me taht the Ninja Turtles and Jedi need to stop school because school is dangerous, and the youngest told me that “she is just terrible at everything school related”. It is going to be another interesting, challenging year. I am ready though…Ready to fight if need be, to do whatever I can to make sure my kids have a good year, and get the education they need, with the supports in place to ensure they do the best THEY Can to their Individual Abilities. At the end of the day, that is all I can do. With Lots of Love, Prayer, and Patience, this too shall pass.

 

Priceless

This weekend was Memorial Day Weekend, and for me it was an emotional one. Memories of childhood raced back to my mind, and I longed for simpler days…for Community Parades, and BBQ’s, Memorial wreath Ceremonies, small town USA celebrating our Nation’s True heros in a BIG way. There are other Factors in place that added to my rollercoaster of emotions this weekend…..Autism, Chaos of the school year winding to a close, kids routines all out of whack, and much more. Lets Face it, I was a MESS this weekend, and the tears flowed freely.

Yesterday, in the middle of all the tears, the ups and downs, the storms raging around me, God gave me a Beautiful Priceless Gift…..

My Youngest wanted to go outside and play in the sprinkler, so outside we went. She was having fun, but was sad that her older two siblings did not want to play with her. This was par for the course, as they are both on the spectrum and are usually content in their own worlds. The next thing I knew, my son came flying out the door in his swim suit, and for the next two hours I watched Him interact with his little sister. I got lost in teh harmony of thier laughter, and relished in the beauty of my youngest two children enjoying the day…together, without fighting, or whining, and of course, I took a Bazillion Photos….cause, well Like my husband likes to say, my camera is my 3rd eye!

When I pulled the Pictures off my Camera late last night, exhausted and ready to go to bed, I found one that captured the priceless beauty of the day perfectly….

There is SO Much I love about this Photo…

the fact that My Princess got QUALITY time with her Big Brother…

who is usually in his own world…

It’s Moments like this that melt my heart,

 that make all my tears worthwhile,

 that remind me that no matter how hard it gets,

 it IS worth every struggle,

 every fight,

every tear,

every sleepless night….

The Giggles and HOURS of Laughter that led to this Photo…

It reminded me that while we may be poor by the worlds standards,

We are rich and blessed beyond measure with priceless treasures that no money can buy.

 I am SO thankful that even in the midst of life’s darkest storms,

God blesses me with moments like this…

a reminder of what is truly important.

Autism Awareness~30 Days of Snapshots 2012: Day 23

Almost a Year ago we Packed up everything we owned and moved. We Didn’t move Far. We Moved because we needed a bigger house. When we moved we left behind something Money can NEVER buy, something FAR more precious than a Bigger house, FAR more Valuable than all the possesions in the world. We Left behind a Circle or Friends who Love my kids. These Friends do not see Disability, do not see age, do not see color, they are just FRIENDS. Yesterday we took the kids over there for a visit, and it was the Highlight of my weekend.

My Facebook Status Yesterday ( Dak got me up at 4am and I was EXHAUSTED): Highlight of My weekend….took the kids over to Visit their Friends on the Court today….Watching Dak PARTICIPATE, Take Turns, and Play Duck Duck Goose on the Trampoline makes the lack of sleep, coffee overdose, and no Nap ALL Worthwhile!!!!! ( and YES I took Photos :P)

This group of kids, with mine included ranges in age from 6 to 14. Two of them are autistic, one of them is fighting Cancer, NONE of this slows them down. When they are together, it’s like it all just fades away. Sure they have moments when they fight…that’s kids for you, BUT NOBODY Messes with them.

If This is our Future, then I would say we are in good hands…because of Kids like these…

.♥Playing Duck Duck Goose ♥

( and yes, Dakman not only took turns, but Participated the WHOLE time, Interacting, laughing, smiling)

♥

♥