Time to Soar

Beaten and Broken
Tattered and Torn
seemingly defeated
Her wings she spread
It’s time to soar
Slowly she begins to rise
Above the mud
Above the pain
steadily she climbs
The winds of her storms pushing her higher
Looking back no longer
Gone are the days of fighting against the storm
Gone are the days of holding on to the heartache
Each day she grows just a little bit stronger
Refusing to quit
Determined to soar
spreading her wings
It’s time to dance once more
~Rachel E. Brown~
September 21,2013

A Legacy of Love, a Lifetime of Prayer

*Note , This may seem scattered and random, and should have been posted in April. For reasons hinted at in “Regaining Strength” , i never finished it, but am posting it now, because…even in it’s raw, scattered form, needs to be said. and besides, since when is grief ever “neat and organized” anyway?*
There is a group of people in my life who never gave up on me…
even through my wild rebellious years as a teenager,
no matter how angry I got, or how far out of control I spun,
They never stopped loving me, never stopped praying for me….
This is for them….
My Grandparents,
My Godparents,
my Mom and Dad ,
my siblings
The entire Jones/ Handy Family ( in my heart my 2nd Family).
I know that without all the love and non stop prayers,
my life would be totally different than what it is today,
and I thank God daily for blessing me with so many people who made sure I had firmly grounded roots,
but still gave me wings so I could soar….
The adults gave me roots and wings…
The kids filled my childhood with Friendship,
LOTS of memories,
They say there are people who leave footprints on your heart…
These are people who have left more than footprints…
This IS my Family, and I am Forever Blessed and Thankful….
Thankful for the Love,
the Laughter,
The memories,
the Friendship,
the Prayers and so much more…

Ok, this is for all you people who avoid the Camera,or hide behind it instead of putting yourself IN photos….
myself included…
There are people who love You who will want Photos of you to look back on when You are gone.
Don’t make them wish they had more Photos to cherish.
Finding myself wishing i had more of two special people in my life, both of whom has already left this earth.
This Photo is the only one I have, that I KNOW of….
My Goal from this point on is to put ME in more photos with my kids….with the people I love.
This week has been one of reflecting, remembering, rejoicing, and mourning.  On Thursday (April 11,2013), I wrote this on Facebook ” As The Lord prepares to call a Precious Very Special Lady home, My heart cries, and rejoices at the same time. You see this dear Lady is my Godmother, and played a HUGE Role in my life. Her Love and Prayers, even when I was being unlovable are part of why I am the woman I am today……I Can’t help wondering if she knows how deeply she impacted my life. I regret not telling her often enough…and though I can’t make it to NY, I want to say THANK YOU, I Love You, and will never forget you!”
April 13,2013: At approximately 12:30 this morning my Godmother, Janice Handy went home to be with the LORD. She was a wonderful, gracious lady and taught us all very well how to survive in the world, but mostly how to live a life of faith. She fought the good fight, she won the race. She sees Jesus face to face. She was one of the Most Influential women in my Life and I am Thankful and blessed that my Parents chose her and her husband as my Godparents.
She leaves behind 25 grandchildren and 48 great grandchildren, three who predeceased her. She leaves behind a legacy of faith.
My Godfather went to be with the Lord my Senior Year of High school. At approximately 12:30 this morning My Godmother Joined him. When I think about the legacy they left, the Impact they had on my life, I count myself Very Blessed.
To Quote My Friend, Their Granddaughter, Jennifer: “My grandfather once felt that he was going to leave nothing behind for his family when it was his time to pass away. In reading all the posts here today, it is obvious that money cannot buy what he & my grandmother left behind. In the 65 years since the day they married, they had 6 children, who in turn had 25, who in turn have had 48. 3 of these met Jesus before they did. Most of these know Jesus as their Savior. Keith & Janice Handy were successful in passing on their faith and their love of family. What could be better than a legacy like this? I should be so blessed to do the same. “
They Truly Built a Household of Faith.

The day that wouldn’t end

I contemplated all weekend wether to write this post or not….to open up and tell about one of the worst days we have had in a LONG time. In the end I have decided that this is a tale I NEED to share, not just because I need to talk about it rather than bury it deep and lock it away, but also because there may be another mom ( or Dad) out there in Autism-land who may be fighting the same battle, facing the same fears, crying the same tears, and if what I learned from this one day that seemed to never end can help her (or Him), then it is worth it.

Friday began like every other day, I got up and started getting the kids out the door for school. There is a system in place that just…works. The oldest leaves first, then Dak-man, then the youngest and I walk to her school. All SEEMED to be going according to routine, but then, as Dak and I were waiting on his bus, it all started to unravel. He began crying out that his stomach hurt, and just flat out screaming. This is not the first time this has happened, so I sent him back in the house, and told the bus driver Dak would be staying home.

Before I go any farther, let me back up a minute and state that Dak has been screaming out randomly about his tummy hurting off and on for about a month. We went to the Doctor, ran the gammit of tests….everything checked out. His Doctor suggested that since he is almost 13 it MAY be growing pains, and puberty sending his body all outta whack, so at her suggestion we increased his pottassium by adding a bananna a day, and Gatorade to his diet. This SEEMS to be making a difference. Friday, however, there was another factor at play…a major weather front system was moving into our area, and when the barometric pressure changes drastically, it wreaks all kinds of havoc on Dak.

Ok…back to the events of the day….

I told Dak that we still had to walk his sister to school and that He needed to leave his school clothes/shoes on till we got home, but He had a one track mind. He was in pain and chnaged into shorts and a t-shirt, took his shoes off, and climbed into bed. After gently coaxing Him back into his shoes, the three of us headed out the door and all SEEMED to be ok. We got about half way to her school and Dak fell apart. It was starting to rain, so both kids had their umbrellas…Shawna had her tinkerbelle one, and Dak, his Iron man one. Dak started randomly swinging his umbrella while also screaming , and wouldn’t you know it…the umbrella hit me in the eye. I managed to calm him down…briefly. Then He darted across the street into a neighbor’s yard, screaming the whole time. what scared me the most in all this is that he was “non-responsive”. He had slipped into His “own little world” and I could not reach Him. I was terrified he was going to get hurt. I left a very upset Shawna standing on the sidewalk as I chased after her brother, calmed him down, and coaxed him back to where she was standing, and what hit me at that moment, as I looked at her precious face, was that this little princess of mine bears a tremendous load. She is my youngest, the only one of my children NOT on the spectrum. I saw in her eyes so much concern for her brother, sadness for me, and determination to help me help him get through this, so much love, pain, so many emotions flashed across my little girl’s face.

We started walking towards school again, and this time, made it about 3/4 of the way there. Dak slipped away again, this time just collapsing onto the grown, kicking and thrashing around. I called my husband, knowing FULL well he was at work and there was nothing he could do, but at the same time somehow hoping my hero would come rescue me. We decided that Shawna could handle the last bit of the walk to school on her own, and Dak and I would head for home. I cried the whole way home. I got angry at the situation and texted mean things to my husband, whom I had hoped would come rescue me ( knowing full well he couldn’t). As I worked to stay calm, to get Dak home, I did something I should have done from the start..I cried out “Lord, Please help me! Help Dak calm down enough that we can get home safely” and I got Dak to focus on me…told him Mommy was hurt and he needed to get mommy home safely. He took charge, and it worked.

Once we got home, and I had Dak resting in his room, I called my husband to apoligize for my childish behavior, and I cried…and cried. We worked through it, and got over the mountain. The rest of the day continued to be one outburst after another from Dak. each time, it was like he had slipped into some horrible place that I could not rescue Him from. I was scared, I felt SO alone and helpless. I ended up calling my husband again asking to be rescued, again knowing there was NO way he was going to be able to leave work. The only thing left for me to do was to hit my knees and pray. I spent the whole day in tears. I got reminded of one of my life verses….

Isaiah 40:30-31 (NIV) 

 30 Even youths grow tired and weary,    

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD    

will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;    

 they will run and not grow weary,    

 they will walk and not be faint.

When my husband got home that night, I collapsed. I had a Black eye, thanks to the umbrella, and felt from head to toe like I had just been in a fight, emotionally drained,  I let Him take over and I went and hid for an hour. I learned a few things from this day that seemed to never end….I learned that I CAN get through days like that without my husband rescuing me ( this is a GOOD thing, because being a Military wife, if deployment happens, I CAN’T even CALL him to rescue me!). I learned that even in the midst of the worst storms, I am NOT alone. Life was never meant to be easy, but if I remember where my hope rests, if I REST in the promises Jesus gave me, I WILL be ok. When I depend on MY strength, I fall apart on days like this, because I Just am not strong enough. but when I rely on HIS Strength, I CAN.

Saturday ended up being an AMAZING day….but that is another post, which I will share soon. Right now though, I need to go refill my coffee cup!

On this road….

This week has been one full of tears for me. It has been a rollercoaster weather-wise…and that always sends my son into a tailspin. We are talking meltdowns, non stop screaming, not sleeping…the works. It has been a struggle for me to find the sunshine…the silver lining, and I am Exhausted…emotionally and Physically. That being said, It has also forced me to dig deep and cling to the only hope I have, to rely on my Faith.  I am learning to daily look for the joy , to focus on the Blessings. I am not saying that it is easy, cause…it isn’t. What I am saying is that it is a journey, one I am learning I do not have to walk alone….

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;  

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;  

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;  

 they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. “

♥Isaiah 40:29-31 ♥  

Raising a child on the autism spectrum is not easy, but I am learning that it is not a road I walk alone, that I do not need to do this all by myself. For all the people out there who do not “get it” , who make me want to never leave the house, I have found that if I step out and take a chance, there ARE people out there who truly do care…who walk this road with me……

On this road, the most amazing updates are the simple things that to most look small…..

On this road there are more questions than answers….

On this road it is easy to feel alone, to isolate and shut out the outside world….

On this road the Ups and downs come at you so fast, with the downs sending your head spinning and the ups taking your breath away….

On this road, the frustration runs HIGH and the tears fall frequently…


I know this much…

it is worth EVERY tear, EVERY frustration, EVERY heartache,

cling to the Ups, cherish those simple milestones,

and remember that we have the privilege of raising children who NEED us to slow down in this fast paced world,

who NEED us to focus on the simple joys like a word, or a hug, a smile…

the simple milestones most parents miss because they are sooo focused on that next “Big milestone”.