Strong enough

I know I said at the end of the post I wrote on Tuesday about The day that wouldn’t end  that I would write about an amazing moment, and I will…but two of My fellow blogging Mommas have posted things this week, wich I read this morning that hit home so hard for me I am sitting here in tears, that I feel I NEED to say something more.

Rhema’s Hope  wrote a Beautiful post about love, about finding the grace within oneself to accept help when we need it. It’s about mercy and redemption. I encourage you to Go read Clean. So much of what she wrote screamed at me. Here is the comment I left her….”So sorry that you are fighting the poop art battle…but at the same time OH so VERY Thankful you wrote this post!!!! Sitting here with tears streaming down my face…thankful to know I am not alone in the land of poop art, wich I thought I had left behind, but my dear boy has regressed back to in recent weeks. Thankful I am not alone in feeling like this is “my burden to bear”, struggling to  not let anyone see how hard I fight, to hold back the tears, the worst moments, the pain, and the embarrasement. Thank you for your honesty….that you for the amazing life lesson and reminder ( the very same one I Got last summer in a poop art chaos, and had forgotten). Sending Much love and Huge Virtual Hugs!” I love how in the midst of the storms life brings us, God gives us glimpses of hope, glimpses of His perfect love. As my friend so eloquently stated “How my Lord is so very merciful. He knows me, that I am filthy, but does He turn His back? Leave me alone? Give me the punishment I deserve? No, He comes near to us and faithfully makes us ”good as new” (as Hope would say).

Repeatedly I fall, my heart and soul smeared to the point of no return. Yet morning after morning, there are new mercies to “blot out my transgressions”, still more grace to cover my ”accidents.” No matter how many times my girl makes a mess, I love her fiercely and faithfully. I’ll scrub her and the walls over and over, and still love her more. The love of God is greater far.

I am indebted and I don’t like that feeling. But I need help — can’t clean me up on my own. I humbly accept the salvation He gives, let His great compassion soak up the stains, let His unfailing love wash over…

Ah, this is what it is to be made clean.” This is the SAME Viusal God gave me last summer as I spent HOURS scrubbing the bathroom walls, my son’s room, the floors…the entire time in tears. We were in the process of moving, and I was MORTIFIED to have people see just how bad our house looked as they came in to help us move.

One of the things that literally JUMPED off the page at me in her  post was when she said ”  “I thought, My mess, my problem. Leave me alone to suffer. If you help me, I’ll be indebted and I don’t like that feeling.” That statement struck a DEEP chord with me, as I often feel the same way. I hate asking for, or admitting that I need help. I feel like a burden, I struggle with letting anyone get to close in fear of embarassment, in fear that they will judge me. Autism and all that goes with it is , at times, TOO big…TOO hard and it is SO easy to just isolate myself, to never share the pain, the heartache, the daily struggle. I have hit the point where I am tired…tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of feeling helpless and alone. I confessed some of how tired I am to a friend at church last night, and as I did, I fought back the tears that seem to fall way to easily these days. Her reaction? she simply reached out, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. It was a hug that spoke Volumes, it comforted my aching heart. It said ” you are not alone.”It was exactly what I needed.

That word, indebted….it jumped at me even more as I read the post my friend Jess from Diary of a Mom wrote in response over at Oxygen Mask Project. In her post entitled Debt, she wrote “With all the respect in the world for my dear friend, I just don’t buy it. I don’t think that debt has any place in her story – or mine or yours. I don’t believe that love – either the great love of God or the humblest love of a friend – keeps account of what it gives or what it receives.

There can be no debt in love.

Unlike any other resource we have, love’s supply can never be depleted – neither God’s nor man’s. Because the miraculous thing about love is that it replenishes itself through the very act of being given away. That’s a pretty amazing thing. What else works like that? As we give it away, it grows.”

These two wonderful Mommas reminded me that it really is ok to admit that I can’t fight this battle alone, that this fight is LONG, and Hard, but NOT one I need to walk all by myself. It really is ok to admit “I need help”. I need to get better at letting others help me, at not feeling like a burden. It is SO easy for me to reach out and help another, but to admit that I need help…is one of the hardest things for me to do.

I am so very thankful for this community of “Momma bloggers” whom I have never met, yet whom walk the same journey. Sure our children are all different, and yet the tears, the heartache, the struggles we face, are all very much the same, and I consider it a blessing that I walk it amoung friends.