*Note: I actually started writing this post a week ago….and almost didn’t hit “publish”….trying to find the balance
The past few weeks at church, we have been talking about what it really means to love others sacrificially. The past few weeks at home have been slam full of stress, evaluations, IEP’s , Doctor’s Appointments, meltdowns, and dak-man not sleeping, which means I am not sleeping. In my heart I cry out for a break, for help, for the silver lining, but outwardly I can’t find the words to ASK and say “Hey! I Need help!” I am worried about being a burden to others. I Have NO problem stepping up when somebody else is in need, but when it comes to asking for help…..yeah RIGHT! The need feels TOO big, I feel like it is too much to ask. I KNOW there are people around me who “Don’t get it” and maybe that is one reason it is so hard to ask for help…because when I have asked in the past I have heard every excuse under the sun, or I have been told what a horrible parent I am, that the only thing wrong with him is that I spoil him….that He is ruining his sister’s lives, the list goes on and on and on.
I am beyond tired, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. I feel like every day is a day in a war zone. I have to fight to not lose my temper, I have to fight to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on the storms raging around me. I have to fight with Doctors, and schools just to ensure my kids get the care they need. I have to fight some days to keep my eyes open. Even writing here lately is a fight because I don’t want every post to be all tears and negativeity, because its not ALL bad. There are good moments, moments I would not trade for ANYTHING.
I am struggling though because How can I love others if I can’t find a way to let others love me. I have become so “walled up” inside that I can’t see the way out. How do I find the balance? How do I find ME? Who am I? I am the Daughter of a King , and I KNOW Father God Loves me, I am a Military wife, Mother to three children with varying levels of special needs ( wow, just typing that out…oof). I have always faced that my son is on the spectrum, and that my youngest has speech issues and struggles in school, but have only recently confirmed that my oldest also falls onto the spectrum. Anyways….I am a Farmer’s Daughter, oldest of 4 children, I am a Former US Marine…..All this I KNOW..but WHO am I?
One thing I have learned this past week, upon hearing after a 4 year fight to get the evaluation done, “Your Daughter has Autism” is that I am ok with that. This time around those words did not come like a sucker punch to my gut. They did hurt a little, I would be lying if I stated otherwise, and I did grieve some, the things she and I will not do, But overall, they came as a relief. My Sweet girl will be getting the help she needs. She will still be able to do all the things she has come to love like play Basketball, softball, ride a horse. This just means she will get the help she needs in areas where she struggles. The peace that came with this statement surprised me in some ways. Maybe it is because We have been living with autism for almost 10 years now since we first heard “Your son has Autism” and I have learned to look for the good in it, to see the blessings. Maybe it is because I have watched my daughter struggle in certain areas for so long, maybe it is because I have heard that I am doing something wrong, I must be because she wont hug certain family members, she wont make eye contact, her social skills are…well I can’t say completely non existent cause her friends would tell me otherwise, but they are not what your “Typical” teenage girl does.
So Back to my question…WHO am I? How do I find the balance? How do I NOT feel like a burden? How do I find the Balance? How do I get to where I can write again…Cause I miss it so……