Tears…..

There is a Photo floating around Facebook of a quote , I shared it on my personal wall a few days ago already…but  it is getting a blog post because…well it fits my day today.

I know I seem to cry a lot at church…

but its something about being in a place where I get reminded I am NOT alone that just turns on the tears….

It’s the overwhelming presence of God’s love….

It’s climbing up in Abba Father’s lap and curling up and crying and letting go of all the cares on my heart….

It’s the hugs and smiles from people who care about me and my family, and whose support and prayers get me through the days when I feel like I cannot handle another meltdown, or fight another Battle, when all that is in me screams for a break….

I cry for so many reasons…..

I cry for my children, for my oldest daughter who struggles socially, for my son whose verbal skills are getting there, but no where near what they should be for a “typical” 12 year old…..

I cry for my youngest daughter who wants nothing more than her 2 older  siblings to play with her….my social butterfly, my princess….

I cry for the hurts dealt by people who don’t “get it” who say things like ” He is just spoiled, your a bad parent”, or “that child is ruining his sisters lives”…and a laundry ist of other hurtful things.

I cry for those same people who don’t “get it” because they can’t, or wont, see past a disability and are missing out on a wonderful, loving boy who has so much to give….

I cry for my husband, who works to the point of exhaustion to provide for our family, yet it never seems to be enough. There is always another treatment, or medicine, or special diet item insurance wont cover…..

I cry for my husband, for the ache I see in his eyes with the knowledge that His only son is not playing with “age appropriate toys”, his only son may never play football, or ride a bike, who can’t pass on his love of motocross to his only son, who aches for all those father son moments…..

I cry for my husband, who misses his best friends, who no longer “goes out with the guys” because, well “the guys” live too far away, and it’s achingly hard to make social connections while fighting to raise special needs children….

I cry for my own social life, for the same reason listed above….

I cry for those precious days, the smallest of moments that I cherish so deeply, the first time my son said “Mommy” at 4 years old…the first time he acknowledge he dose in fact like spending time with his sisters….the day he declared, very loudly, for all the ballpark to hear ” That’s My BEST FRIEND!”….moments that to some seem so insignificant, yet to me, they are HUGE!!!!!

I cry because it’s the simple things like a phone call or a hug that remind me that I am NOT alone. There was a time when I thrived on social contact. now my social contact is limited to church, and the grocery store….

I cry because I ache for friendships I miss dearly…people who have impacted my life so deeply they are counted as “Family”. Who, even though we, or they have moved away, still care enough to keep in touch, who have left “footprints on my heart”.  People who I miss with every fiber of my being, because they have seen me at my worst, and still love me….

I cry for my side of the family only gets to see my children once a year, IF that…and yet they are my strongest support in the journey of raising children with special needs. They love unconditionally, see past the disability, and accept all THREE of kids, no playing favorites….

I cry for no other reason than I just need to, because I can’t cry in front of my kids…because I have to stay strong to deal with meltdowns, and Dr’s, and IEP meetings, and face people who do not understand, who judge and are critical of my every move…..

I cry because I am utterly and totally exhausted…..

I cry for all this, and so much more….

So, please if you see me crying, don’t feel sorry for me. Please don’t pity me. Pray for me, love me, but please don’t pity me. God gave me this journey, and His strength is the ONLY thing that gets me through each day, because I CAN’T do this on my own…..

If you feel you NEED to do something to help, remember, a phone call to see how I am doing means the world. Sometimes something as simple as a hug is all that is needed.  Offering to take all three kids would be great! ( though I understand completely that my kids have challenges that few understand, or know how to handle). For those of you who have surprised us with “I am ordering you guys pizza tonight” you have NO idea how HUGE that means to me, to not have to worry about dinner for a night. For those of you who have picked my girls up on weekends that my husband is gone for Military training so they will not miss church, or that youth group function, or AWANA, or those who help out with getting them to softball practice and games while He is gone, again…HUGE Thank you’s!!!

I leave you with this song from Twila Paris….

“Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child….”

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