A Place in this world

My Mind is a whirlwind of thoughts this morning.  I got up early and sent my teenage daughter off to her youth Group Pancake Fundraiser for Haiti , and never got to go back to bed because my son doesn’t get the whole “sleep in on Saturday” concept. It messes up his routine….and we can’t have that! Just one of the many ways I have learned to keep the peace with a child who happens to be autistic in the house. I peeked in on my youngest at about 8:15, and she was still sleeping peacefully in spite of her brother’s loud repeated announcements that the sun is awake, and its time to wake UP! As I watched my 8 year old sleeping peacefully, I was taken to a quieter place, and I couldn’t help but smile.

The next place my mind traveled was to the wide rang of things my son occupies his day with. If you walk into His room, you will find that it is, yes, a disaster area ( he is a pre-teen boy afterall) you will also find Thomas the tank engine, Buzz Lightyear, Duplo Legos, Hotwheels, and a few super hero toys ( Batman, Iron man , superman and the like) Oh and I must not forget the collection of Star wars things and the mountain of stuffed animals that hides his bed from view.  I never know from one minute to the next if it is going to be a “super hero” or a Thomas the Tank engine kind of day. I get glimpses of pretend play, like the other day when His younger sister came flying out of his room screaming “Don’t Hit me, I am NOT evil!!!” and He was RIGHT behind her, lightsaber in hand ” I Dak-man, I Battle Evil”  I had to fight back the smile as I informed Him his sister is in fact, NOT evil, but the delight that he was actually Participating in pretend play.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with the reminder that my children are 13, 11, and 8…we are approaching teen years at a break-neck speed, well ok, so we are there with one….but you get my point. I find myself wondering just how do I guide them through their teen years, How do I survive teenage boy years with an autistic son who still can’t tie his own shoes…and I gotta explain PUBERTY????  As my mind races all over like a the small metal ball in a ping pong game, a song comes to mind, and things start to calm down….some. It is a song that has helped me many times as I find myself wondering , facing crossroads in life….

The wind is moving

But I am standing still

A life of pages

Waiting to be filled

A heart that’s hopeful

A head that’s full of dreams

But this becoming Is harder than it seems….

As I start to focus on the song, I see images of my children at their different stages flash before me.

My Oldest, one year away from High school,active in youth group, knowing since she was five that she wants to be a vet……

My son, teetering on the edge of teen years, peering over the brink, and yet, still very much the mindset of a small child,   all my unanswered questions…..

My youngest, the social butterfly. This child makes friends easily, she knows EVERYONE! and gives the Most AMAZING Hugs EVER!

Feels like I’m

Looking for a reason

Roamin’ through the night to find

My place in this world

My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on

I need your light to help me find

My place in this world

My place in this world…..

How can I help them, each unique and special in their own way, find their place in this world? Am I doing the best that I can to prepare them for life?  I have so many worries, so many questions. So much is unknown. All that is left for me to do is cry out and pray…Pray that as my Son enters Jr. High, that God will protect him from bullies that lurk everywhere. There has been an outbreak lately of special needs kids getting harassed at schools…it scares me. Pray that as my oldest enters High school that her choices will not take her down the paths I found myself on, that she will be wiser than I was. Pray that my youngest will not lose her loving spirit as she grows up, that her heart for helping others will not get squashed by the cruel world we live in. Am I doing a good enough job of teaching them “No Compromise?” of teaching them to stand up for what they believe in, that courage sometimes means standing alone?

And so, here I am, a Grown woman, Mother of three, and still I find myself searching for my Place in this world……


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