Silent heartache

Autism……I Know its not the end of the world. I Know that it doesn’t mean that My son needs to be “Fixed” because He is not broken, Just “Wired different” . I Know that He is a Special Gift Just the way God Made Him.

What I wish I knew was what is going through His Mind as He is screaming for 3 hours straight ( yep, that’s right, you heard me). Today I had to go Pick Him up from school because He would not STOP Screaming, and He tried to leave the classroom to walk home.  Now, before I go any Farther, let me clarify….He has 2 kinds of screaming, 1) Temper, and 2) Something is hurting, or scaring me…something is NOT right. When I got to His school, as I walked down the hall to His classroom after stopping in at the office to check him out, I could HEAR Him screaming, and it was NOT Temper.

There are many things that tear my heart in pieces about having an almost completely non verbal child. Yes, he does talk, but its simple phrases, or just repetition of things He hears. On Days like today, I want to scream ” PLEASE, Let Him speak so I know what is wrong!! I Can’t help him if I don’t know whats wrong…..” When he got home, He went to his room, curled up in his bed, and slept, got up, ate lunch, went back to bed( and That in and of itself is NOT Normal…He does NOT Take naps unless something is wrong), and by 3 this afternoon, he seemed to be all better, which I am very glad to see. However, My heart aches….I long to have him talk my ear off after a Field trip, or be able to tell me when something is bothering Him. Is that selfish? Maybe, but its how I feel.

so, here I sit, loving my son, baffled by his lack of speech, and saddened that there is so much I will miss because He either can’t tell me, or can’t do it.  It’s been a hard, sad, long day. Praying tomorrow goes better.

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One thought on “Silent heartache

  1. Oh sweetie I am so hugging you right now through the computer. I know somewhat how you feel because we all know that each one of our kids and stories are different and we can never be exactly there but in ways I have. I know I am still new to all this but one thing people keep saying to me are that there are reasons why we were blessed with these special babies of ours, you are an amazing mom and one day hopefully we will finally have all the answers to the questions we truly need answered.

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