My Grandfather is in a Nursing home, and His age is catching up with him. I can’t stand to think of my Grandfather any way other than the Strong independant man we love so Much. I Feel like I should be closer to help Dad on the farm, I Miss the Farm. But I keep telling myself I have a husband and kids of my own that need me. Does that change the way I feel about all this, No… It actuallly makes it that much harded. I am Stuck here in Alabama and can’t do what I want to do. I am Torn between My responsibilities as a wife and a mother, and My responsibilities as a Daughter and a granddaughter. I want sooo bad to Pack up my family and Move back to NY. Back to My Comfort zone that I Ran from so many years ago. I did not realize how good it was till I left and now I cant get Back.
My brother and I talked for a long time last night about a little of everything, but what it alll boils down to is that we Both are dealing with alot of Crap right now, and while we both know God does not give us more than we can handle Niether of us want to deal with this. Not Grandpa.
I fight the daily urge to Crawl Back into the Whiskey Bottle. I Beat that fight 9 years ago… But right now it is re appearing. I Know it is not going to solve anything.
I wish I could go back to when I was a kid and Grandpa always had candy to sneak to me when Grandma was not looking, Watching football, Taking me shopping, or just teasing me about the latest boy in my life as a teen. Now that I am happily Married, he still finds something to tease me about, and any time I want the latest Gossip from home all I have to do is call Grandpa.
I Don’t know how much more I can Handle. I am trying to find a way to get home for a visit, when what I really want is to go home to stay. I miss it all.
Ok…. If You made it this far… Kudos to you… I Needed to vent.
Vent Done… for now…. Dont feel any better though